4dp5dt

I'm not doing very well today.  I just have this overwhelming feeling that it didn't work.  I'm trying to keep the faith, but it's so hard.  I don't feel anything.  I'm waiting for any little twinge or cramp, but I feel totally normal.  I had some mild cramping the first two days, but yesterday and today have been pretty uneventful.  I think I'm just starting to realize the pain and devastation that I am going to feel if this doesn't work.  Up until now, I was so sure this would work.  Now, as I type this, I have tears in my eyes. 

What will we do if this doesn't work?  What will be the next step?  Is there a next step?  Why doesn't God want me to be a mother?  October will be two years of us trying to have a baby.  How long do we keep doing this?  How much more money do we spend?  We are at $22,000 already just for 2011.  Should we just start saving up for a surrogate since it seems that we make great looking embryos but they just won't implant in me?  I have tried to never let fear control this process, but I'm so scared of what I may find out in the next week. 

All I can do is pray that God will give me strength and peace during this journey.  Romans 8:28: "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."  This is the verse I happened to read the morning of my transfer.  I memorized it and repeated it to myself throughout that morning and during the transfer, and it brought me peace.  Fields kept having me repeat it to him.  I know I will be okay if this doesn't work.  My life will go on.  It will be really hard, but I will be okay.  Breathe in, breathe out.