I am officially having my second miscarriage. We went to our 7w3d appointment yesterday. Baby was now measuring a week behind with a heart rate of 120, which is very low for where I should be. Dr. Mo said there is no hope anymore and that this will not have a happy ending. I have a D&C tentatively scheduled for Tuesday, Aug. 9th, the day after I get back from Chicago. He will do an ultrasound before the D&C and will make sure that either the heartbeat has stopped or the baby is measuring 2 weeks behind. Then we will go forward with the D&C. We will also have the tissue tested for genetic abnormalities. And the really fun part is that I'm leaving for Chicago for a week on Monday, so I have to continue all my meds in an attempt to not miscarry naturally on my work trip.
I didn't think it would be this hard since we have pretty much known this was coming. But it is. It's really freaking hard. My first miscarriage was really difficult. Infertility has been even more devastating. But, miscarriage after infertility is the worst of it all. At this point, I just don't know how I'm going to get through this. I feel like I can't go on anymore. I've hit rock bottom emotionally. A study from Harvard Medical School compares the anxiousness and depression levels of women dealing with infertility to someone who was diagnosed with cancer. I believe it.
I drank probably an entire bottle of wine last night. I can't help but feel a little guilty about it knowing that the baby is still alive inside of me, but Dr. Mo said it's fine for me to drink. It's just not a good feeling waiting for my baby to die so I can have it removed. Oh, and Fields's 30th birthday is Wednesday. Happy f-ing birthday to him.
The plan from here is to do another fresh IVF cycle around Sept/Oct. We are also going to start looking into adoption. I am also trying to muster up the courage to go to my first infertility support group tonight. I do have some IF friends that I met online who have been an amazing support to me, but it would be nice to meet some people in real life who are going through this.
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I'm so sorry Sarah. It is so unfair, and you're right - IF and loss are both cruel, but the two of them together is especially cruel.
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I've been out of town and just caught up. I am so, so sorry you're going through this. Keeping you and Fields in my thoughts nad prayers. It's not fair!
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