It's Been A While....

It's been a couple months since I've posted an update.  Not much progess has been made in the last couple months.  Actually no progress has been made.  The last couple months have been bad.  More like terrible.  I can confidently say infertility is one of the hardest things a person can go through.  Add a miscarriage on top of that and it's double whammy.  I feel like I'm at rock bottom right now emotionally.  I don't know how much longer I can live in this hell.  Now for the update....

I did my first cycle of Clomid 50mg days 5-9 at the beginning of September.  I was really excited to try the Clomid and felt really optimistic about it.  Boy was that dumb of me.  I went for my CD11 ultrasound, and found out my lining was at 3mm.  This basically gave me no hope for that entire cycle.   This was devastating news, and I just had to wait for the next 3 weeks to pass to start the new cycle.  Those 3 weeks lasted an eternity.  Once the next cycle started on October 1, I went in for my CD3 baseline ultrasound and was told I never ovulated and had two big ole cysts.  Another blow.  Dr. Mushtaler told me the cysts would go away on their own and to come see her on my next CD3. 

I decided about a week later to go see a reproductive endocrinologist (RE).  I realized that Dr. Mush.taler wasn't specialized in infertility and I really needed someone who was, considering everything that had happened.  I went to see Dr. Mo, my new RE, in mid October.  He did another ultrasound to check the cysts, and of course they were still there.  He told me to call on my next CD1 for my baselines and to check the cysts. 

One night a few nights later, I was in horrific pain on the left side of my abdomen all the way around to my back.  Prescription strength Ibuprofen and Hydrocodone didn't do a thing for the pain it was so bad.  Finally after about 4 hours, the pain subsided.  I called Dr. Mo the next day, and he said it was probably the cyst rupturing.  My period also decided to come 5 days late, which I was told was because of the cysts producing hormones in my body.  Anyway, finally my CD1 came and I went to see the RE again. 

He did another ultrasounds and of course more bad news (that seems to be the only kind of news I get these days!).  The cyst on the right was still there.  So now I am scheduled for a cystectomy/laparascopy to check for endometriosis next Friday, Nov. 12. 

So that gets us to today.  I'm sitting here on birth control pills waiting for surgery.  The last 3 months have been nothing but bad news and we haven't even been able to try to get pregnant because something keeps going wrong.  It's just so hard to keep on going each day.  Every morning I wake up and think please let it all be a dream.  But it isn't.  This is my reality now.  I am forever changed and don't know if I will ever be the same.  Miscarriage and infertility are also extremely isolating.  You find out who is really there for you and who isn't.  You lose your friends.  You lose your family.  And you marriage suffers.  Oh, and you finances suffer.  Insurance doesn't cover infertility.  I can't begin to describe how expensive it all is. 

It's hard for me to understand why this is all happening to us.  Is this God's doing?  Would he really put someone through so much pain and suffering?  I don't know.  I have always found comfort in the quote "this too shall pass."  But now, not so much.  I don't know if this will pass.  What if I am childless forever.  How much longer can I keep going through this?  Another year?  Another 5 years?  It's all too scary to think about.