A little background....

I'm creating this blog as an outlet.  An outlet to release my feelings, hopes, fears, etc. because at the moment I feel like I may just burst.  I'll utilitze this first post just to share my story of the past 10 months or so.  So here goes....

I married my best friend in September of 2009.  It was absolutely amazing.  The 3 or so months following our wedding were probably a few of the best in my life.  I don't remember a happier time really.  Everything was perfect.  Unfortunately, that didn't last long.  We decided to start trying to conceive very quickly after our wedding.  We began TTC in October of 2009, and on December 12, 2009, I got a positive HPT.  My life changed forever that day.  We couldn't even believe it.  On only our second month trying, we were already knocked up.  We were shocked and scared, but, most of all, we were extrememly excited!  I have dreamed of the day I would become a mom since I was a little girl.  At that moment, I had everything I ever dreamed of having.  2 weeks later, at 6w2d, we went to the doctor and saw and heard our little bean's heartbeat.  It was magical. 

2 weeks later, at 8w2d,  I went back to the doctor.  This time I was by myself.  I went to make sure everything was okay after a tiny scare I had the night before.  I had no doubt that everything would be fine, and I was excited to the see little one on the ultrasound screen again!  I laid down on the table, and my OB started to do an external ultrasound.  I could see her moving it around and searching for the heartbeat.  She was moving it around...and searching...and moving...and searching.  I looked at her with complete fear and said, "do you not see the heartbeat?"  She said not to worry and she was going to do an internal ultrasound.  She started with the internal ultrasound and we both just sat there in silence as she continued to look for a heartbeat.  I couldn't even speak.  Then she just looked at me and said, "I'm sorry".  I became hysterical.  All I remember is laying on the table bawling say "no" over and over again.  "No no no no!"  This couldn't be happening to me.  My life changed forever that day....again.  My doc said my little one was measuring 8w, which means it had just passed about 2 days prior.  I sat in the doctor's office for a while just crying.  I had a d&c the next morning.  My life hasn't been the same since, and I continue to wonder if I ever will feel "normal" again. 

We waited 2 months to heal to start trying to conceive again.  We are now on our 6 month of trying with no success.  I can honestly say 2010 has sucked ass.  Every part of it.  I can't name one good thing that's happened to us.  I sometimes just feel like giving up.  I am so sick of living my life in 2 week increments, timing sex, taking pills, peeing on sticks, getting stuck with needles, going to doctor's appointments, constant stress on my marriage, etc. with nothing happening.  I feel like a failure.  Like my body is broken.  I feel alone and isolated.  It's been almost a year since we started trying and we have absolutely nothing to show for it.  I wonder how much longer I will have to live this way. 

So that's my story of the last 10 months in a nutshell.  This blog will be my place to vent about our TTC journey.  The ups and downs.  Hopefully, there will be more ups than there have been recently.