31w4d

Only 2 months left, and I'm getting pretty excited to meet this little girl.  I'm pretty sure I know where her feet are the past few weeks.  They are on the left side of my belly.  She is constantly kicking her feet around and pushing them out, so there's a big bulge on the side of my belly.  I always put my hands right there and push a little and I can get her to push back on my hand.  It's kind of a little game we like to play...or at least I like to think it is :)

I went through a bad week last week with a lot of anxiety, but I'm feeling much better the past few days.  I don't know what it is that makes my anxiety flare up at times, but at least it doesn't stay for long.  I found myself googling the chances of losing a baby in the third trimester.  I'm not sure why I have so much fear.  I think I have some kind of post traumatic stress disorder from what I've been through with trying to have a baby.  

I get these daily sort of devotional emails called Purpose Driven Connection by Rick Warren.  The one I read this morning really hit home, so I figured I would share a few bits of it.  It was titled "The Difficulties While God Delays."  Obviously my fertility was the first thing to come to my mind.  The verse at the top of the email was "This means tremendous joy to you, I know, even though you are temporarily harassed by all kinds of trials and temptations. This is no accident — it happens to prove your faith, which is infinitely more valuable than gold ..." (1 Peter 1:6-7 PH).  Rick went on to write, "In order to build your faith, God will give you a dream. Then, he'll urge you to make a decision. But then he'll allow a delay, because in the delay he matures you and prepares you for what is to come.
The truth is, you'll have difficulties while God delays. This isn't because he doesn't care about you or that he's forgotten your circumstances; rather, it's one of the ways he pushes you toward the deep end of faith.  God designed it this way because he knows we grow stronger when facing adversity and opposition."  I thought that was pretty cool, and I agree 100%.  I feel like I can now be thankful for the experience.  Never thought I would say that. 

Another crazy thing I've noticed about infertility is that once I started to become a little more public with my story, I'm finding out about others going through the same thing who feel like they can share with me.  Unfortunately, most people going through it keep it all inside and you don't feel like there's anyone you can talk to about it.  Well, since I started "coming out of the closet" with our story a little, I have already had two friends come to me with their own experiences who are struggling.  It's nice to be able to talk to them and offer a little insight/advice/friendship. 

One thing I've noticed I have a lot of is guilt.  Now that I am noticeably pregnant, I feel really uncomfortable at times just walking through the grocery store/mall/etc.  Just because I know there are people out there struggling who will see me and it will just break their hearts.  I've been there.  I used to hate seeing pregnant women in the mall walking around with their PBK bags smiling from ear to ear.  It would ruin my day.  Now I am that person, and I feel guilty knowing that there are women looking at me that way.  I know there's nothing I can do about it though. 

My baby shower is this weekend, and I couldn't be more excited!  I can't believe it's actually MY baby shower this time.  I didn't think I would ever get to have that.  Three of my best friends are hosting the shower and my mom is helping a lot, too.  I'm so excited to fill our house with little baby stuff everywhere and get the house prepared for her arrival. 

29 weeks

30 weeks - Easter